Welcome to my mind warp of the day. I've been thinking about this one for awhile.
My mind has FINALLY caught up with my current size and shape. Yay!
It's only taken about a year for the catch up. Sigh.
But I still feel like I am in disguise. Like Inspector Gadget or something. A fat girl in a skinny girl costume/disguise.
I now know and realize that that yes, I do look like this:
But I feel that the "true" me looks like this:
I think I am getting this disguise feeling because I am now meeting more people that never knew the fat me. They only know the skinny me that I am now.
I'll give you an example:
We have a new employee in our department that I've been working with for a few weeks now and I've been getting to know her. And do you know what? I have this urge to show her a fatty photo. I want to explain to her that the person in front of her is NOT the true me. The fatty in the photo is the real me. I haven't actually shown her a fat photo 'cuz that would be kinda weird and unprofessional. I doubt that I ever will. But I want to.
It's like I want to explain away and/or justify my skinniness. Welcome to Crazytown....population of 1.
Why do I still identify so much with the fatty? Perhaps because I was obese for most of my life? Who knows.
But don't get me wrong, I LOVE my skinny girl disguise. A healthy body that looks great? Yes please.
There you go, today's mind warp....in a nutshell. The end.
P.S.: I wish my friend Amy was still around. This is totally something that she would have had great perspective and advice for me as a WLS post-op who was in maintenance for over 5 years. I miss you Amy.
My mind has FINALLY caught up with my current size and shape. Yay!
It's only taken about a year for the catch up. Sigh.
But I still feel like I am in disguise. Like Inspector Gadget or something. A fat girl in a skinny girl costume/disguise.
I now know and realize that that yes, I do look like this:
I'll give you an example:
We have a new employee in our department that I've been working with for a few weeks now and I've been getting to know her. And do you know what? I have this urge to show her a fatty photo. I want to explain to her that the person in front of her is NOT the true me. The fatty in the photo is the real me. I haven't actually shown her a fat photo 'cuz that would be kinda weird and unprofessional. I doubt that I ever will. But I want to.
It's like I want to explain away and/or justify my skinniness. Welcome to Crazytown....population of 1.
Why do I still identify so much with the fatty? Perhaps because I was obese for most of my life? Who knows.
But don't get me wrong, I LOVE my skinny girl disguise. A healthy body that looks great? Yes please.
There you go, today's mind warp....in a nutshell. The end.
P.S.: I wish my friend Amy was still around. This is totally something that she would have had great perspective and advice for me as a WLS post-op who was in maintenance for over 5 years. I miss you Amy.
As usual, you are not alone. I carried the picture of me, taken on the night I joined Weight Watchers, for almost a year and I would work the conversation around to my weight loss. :( Or, sometimes the subject came up because I didn't eat all the junk that my co-workers were eating and one of them would question that.
ReplyDeleteLater I put that same picture on the refrigerator as a reminder of where I did not want to be again.
DAMN!!! That picture of you is so hot! You look great. I feel the same way sometimes about feeling like I need to tell people that I used to be a lot bigger than I am now. I wouldn't call myself skinny....yet, but I think you can up the population of Crazytown to 2!
ReplyDeleteI agree, you are looking freaking stellar in that cute little outfit with your super badass styled hair! Love it.
ReplyDeleteAnd Crazytown has a population of 2 (me included).
Crazytown is growing in population because I think I've taken up permanent residency there. I came across my journal/planner that i started when I was first banded and on the cover was a photo of me my freshman year in college that was my "inspiration" photo. I looked at it and said to myself, wow, I was so thin back then. Then I sort of sat there for a moment and realized I'm skinnier now than in that photo. My brain just hasn't caught up with the rest of my body. Can i be on the Crazytown City Council?
ReplyDeleteYou are a doll, tiny, inspirational and not crazy !
ReplyDeleteHottie!! I did a double take there.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...I wonder if we all feel this way because there is such a huge fear (rational or not) that this is just temporary and we will gain it back. As we did with the previous 'diet' attempts.
You just have to trust yourself and your band that it's not going to happen. You've made permanent changes.
You are looking FAB! Yeah mind... took you long enough!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you didn't get the memo, but Crazytown has a Mayor and it's me! I think part of why I can't seem to get to my goal weight is because I can't reconcile the fat me with a less fat me. And, somehow in the twisted mess of my mind, I don't really think I deserve it.
ReplyDeleteAnd...OMG, you look so amazing!
Fabulous picture!! I completely understand what you are talking about...I'm not at goal yet and I still have these moments when I pick up my jeans to put on and the first thought that comes to mind is "I must have mixed up the jeans when folding clothes because these are too small to be mine". I wonder how long it takes for your brain to catch up to your body...
ReplyDeleteThat picture says why we are all here! It is in a nutshell. It is not the size of you, it is the healthy mind and body that you have because of the weight loss.
ReplyDeleteI would love you either way, you are truly an amazing woman in my book and I have yet to meet ya!
most of the time I feel like I am still 350lbs but every once and a while I will see myself in the mirror and be like wow! I'm not that big any more. It's good to know that I'm not the only one feels that way
ReplyDeleteLOVE the first picture...so hot! It's weird for so long I've had the opposite problem. In my head I'm skinny but the mirror doesn't seem to agree. I wonder how that will change when I start losing more weight.
ReplyDeleteYou look amazing -- great outfit too!! I had a weird moment like this at work recently -- during lunch with a new colleague who is in the 200s and struggling with her weight, I felt compelled to let her know that I'd lost 80 pounds. Of course.. I'm not out about my surgery at work, so then I felt like a jerk when she asked how I did it...
ReplyDeleteYou look HOT!!!! Such an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteI do not think you are warped at all..I think many of us have those feelings. I had a similar incident at the dentists office yesterday over a question about whether I had ever taken fenfen or one of the other weightloss drugs. The hygienist was like..of course you haven't. I wanted to say..how do you know that? She was judging my body now to a life long situation. I did get her though when she asked me if there was any thing else she should know..you should have seen her face when I said I had a lapband :) classic. I think this weightloss stuff is difficult mind, body and soul.
ReplyDeleteThis new photo of you is bloody amazing! You look great and are a real inspiration! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteyou look amazing.... im getting banded on sept.13/11 im very excited and hopeful to have the same amazing results like you
ReplyDeleteWell Inspector Gadget- you look amazing and you are a superhero and inspiration to me!
ReplyDeleteYou look great,What a difference you have made to yourself-very inspiring:)
ReplyDelete