So ya know how us bandsters are supposed to chew all food to the consistency of applesauce?
We chew.
And then chew.
And then chew some more.
Yep, that's how we're supposed to roll.
I've learned over the years what foods that I can and cannot chew to the consistency of applesauce.
Actually, there's pretty much only one type of food I just can't chew all the way and I don't feel like I can swallow it:
Beef. Hamburger. Steak. Pretty much all red meat.
Because if I swallow it, it might get stuck and then be followed by the dreaded "PB" or Productive Burp - those tasty morsels that were so good going down would come back up and say "hello" to me. Again.
I have never experienced the dreaded PB.
At three and half years post-op, I feel like I'm missing out on being part of this secret PB club that most of you bandsters are in. I swear that I will join you in your secret club one of these days.
Speaking of chewing, let's discuss what went down at Costco tonight.
I cruised around from one free sample table to the next free sample table.
The free sample ladies with their Laverne & Shirley hairnets were in full force...tempting me with their mini-food portions.
Would I like pizza? Yes. Please.
Would I like some chips and salsa? Of course.
Would I like some chicken and cheese quesadillas? Fo' Sho'. Abso-freakin-lutely.
Would I like some BBQ Tri Tip? Sure, why not.
As I took a big bite of the Tri Tip, I realized immediately knew that I had made a tragic error.
I kinda forgot about my no red meat issue.
In true bandster style, I took LOTS of napkins. You never know when you may need napkins.
And I chewed.
And I chewed some more.
And chewed.
Walking around Costco and chewing. Holding my napkins.
That tri tip wasn't going anywhere or getting swallowable any time soon.
Like chewing a really huge wad of old dehydrated gum.
Luckily I was near the camping tents section of the store.
Like the true lady that I am, I ducked behind a tent spit that mouthful of meat into the napkins and tossed the napkins into the nearest trash within 3 seconds flat.
Needing mad ninja spitting skills: Now that's something they never tell you in the informational weight loss surgery seminar.
We chew.
And then chew.
And then chew some more.
Yep, that's how we're supposed to roll.
I've learned over the years what foods that I can and cannot chew to the consistency of applesauce.
Actually, there's pretty much only one type of food I just can't chew all the way and I don't feel like I can swallow it:
Beef. Hamburger. Steak. Pretty much all red meat.
Because if I swallow it, it might get stuck and then be followed by the dreaded "PB" or Productive Burp - those tasty morsels that were so good going down would come back up and say "hello" to me. Again.
I have never experienced the dreaded PB.
At three and half years post-op, I feel like I'm missing out on being part of this secret PB club that most of you bandsters are in. I swear that I will join you in your secret club one of these days.
Speaking of chewing, let's discuss what went down at Costco tonight.
I cruised around from one free sample table to the next free sample table.
The free sample ladies with their Laverne & Shirley hairnets were in full force...tempting me with their mini-food portions.
Would I like pizza? Yes. Please.
Would I like some chips and salsa? Of course.
Would I like some chicken and cheese quesadillas? Fo' Sho'. Abso-freakin-lutely.
Would I like some BBQ Tri Tip? Sure, why not.
As I took a big bite of the Tri Tip, I realized immediately knew that I had made a tragic error.
I kinda forgot about my no red meat issue.
In true bandster style, I took LOTS of napkins. You never know when you may need napkins.
And I chewed.
And I chewed some more.
And chewed.
Walking around Costco and chewing. Holding my napkins.
That tri tip wasn't going anywhere or getting swallowable any time soon.
Like chewing a really huge wad of old dehydrated gum.
Luckily I was near the camping tents section of the store.
Like the true lady that I am, I ducked behind a tent spit that mouthful of meat into the napkins and tossed the napkins into the nearest trash within 3 seconds flat.
Needing mad ninja spitting skills: Now that's something they never tell you in the informational weight loss surgery seminar.
Hi LapBand Gal, Just wanted to say an official HI, I've been stalking your blog for a while, and have just managed to finish the entire thing - just wanted you to know that I think you are fab, and have been a true inspiration for me! I was banded last Friday, and started a blog this morning (although not quite sure what Im doing yet!?), so have found your blog truely motivating! Much thanks x
ReplyDeletei have had to use the spit in the napkin thing once when we were out to eat and I knew after I put that last piece of chicken in my mouth that if I swallowed that, it would come back up. I spit that thing in the napkin right in our booth! Problem solved!
ReplyDeleteI also have yet to experience a PB. I'm hoping I never do!
oooh, not fun! but really funny so thanks for sharing! :)
ReplyDeleteok that sounded callous but I really like the way you wrote it -- in a humorous style :D
Deletelol...I can just imagine you creepin' too funny!
ReplyDeleteLove it! Isn't that the truth?! I think that "spitting into napkins gracefully" should be a class! :)
ReplyDeleteI love your blog! I'm hoping that I miss out on the dreaded PB action. Hopefully I'll have enough sense to spit the food out vs swallowing it. I guess anything with chewing gum texture/consistency should be in the "spit out or avoid" category.
ReplyDeletehamburgers are the one thing I miss as a bandster. Since my forced unfill I have eaten a lot of burgers...20 pounds worth according to my scale.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading for a while, but this is my first time commenting. You've inspired me, I finally set up a blog about my band- YAY! You also reminded me to chew, chew CHEW!!! I have so many PB episodes I can't even count them. And I'm sure it's because I don't chew enough. You'd think that a year down the road from surgery I'd have that figured out but I'm a slow learner. Thank you for the inspiration.
ReplyDeleteHi..I just got banded one month ago TODAY, and have been reading your blog for a while. I love it by the way. And I can understand your issue with the PB. I'm still in the puree food (hopefully will end tonight), but I'm scarred as hell because I don't want anything getting stuck or coming back up. I don't eat red meat anyways so maybe that will help me. LOVE this story by the way!
ReplyDeleteI had a good laugh from your story. You must be an awsome chewer if you have never had a PB. After 1 year and 6 months banded I still get them now and then, especially during certain times of the month or when it is cold. During those times I rarely eat food out in public. I dread the day there is no "tent" to hide behind.
ReplyDeleteWow-- I thought you said you once had a PB. But I could be mixing someone else up in there-- the only reason I would recall once is that you have always said that they virtually never happen.
ReplyDeleteWhatever. Good for you for following the rules so thoroughly!
I'm ten months out and have also never PB'd. NOT COMPLAINING, mind you. Just sayin'. Kuddos to you on the resourcefulness of the tent shield/napkin maneuver.
ReplyDelete